All Too Fleeting
by TutorGirlml
Summary: In the wake of his ill-fated deal with Gold, Killian is torn, but knows what he must do. If only he has the strength to risk the happiness he has waited so long to find... (post 4x04 one shot)


_Here we go again! I almost didn't post this; still feeling a little conflicted about it, but I had some serious angst going on for all that Killian went through in the last episode (4x04) and had to do some further exploration of what might have been going on in his head. I'm not getting it posted much before 4x05, but hopefully some of you will still find and read it. As usual, I don't own them, but I would love to hear what you think of my interpretation! Enjoy!_

"_All Too Fleeting"_

_By: TutorGirlml_

Not many things in Killian Jones' long, long life have been worth savoring – lovely and warm, worth his wishing they would last. This, however…this shatters that trend and far outweighs all the betrayal and heartbreak he has endured. Feeling Emma's face cradled in _both _his hands as they kiss leisurely, sweetly, sinking into something warmer and completely intoxicating, is unparalleled bliss. Her soft, pale skin beneath all ten of his awed, gentle fingers is a treasure he has barely allowed himself to fathom holding.

Emma lets out a tiny little sigh, almost a whimper, yet the small grin on her face when their lips part lets him know it was in pleasure. In truth, it is adorable, endearing, and gives him courage to dive back in, pulling her closer and kissing her once more. In spite of his Swan's warning against pillage and plunder on the first date, he takes this kiss further, tracing the line of her lips with the tip of his tongue until she parts them for him, silently spurring him on. Her hands, small though full of unmeasured strength, rise on his back, clutching the fabric at his shoulder blades almost desperately.

It is only when the hand he had wanted back so fervently creeps into his line of sight, looking ominously close to Emma's neck, that it nearly turns his stomach. Killian forcibly clenches the offending fingers, the very digits he had believed would make him fully whole in her eyes, forcing them in on themselves and away from her precious skin, drawing blood in his palm with the nails he squeezes so tightly.

Something is wrong. He internally panics, fighting and clawing to enjoy these last few minutes of the perfection this date has been. Emma smiles at him so guilelessly as she says goodnight, looking as happy as he has ever seen her, and his heart flutters. This was all he had ever wanted for her, what he had known he could bring to her, what he had fought for her to let him attempt. Killian returns her smile, wanting more than anything to give her this carefree evening, loving that he has been a part of its cause, and praying that she does not glimpse the turmoil behind his slipping façade, wishing that he could enjoy it as simply and without misgiving as he had always imagined.

Once Emma slips through the door of her parents' apartment, Killian slumps against the wall of the hallway, boneless in relief. He finds it within himself to chuckle briefly as he hears Emma's parents question her about her date, the dreamy joy in her reply, and her mother's excited exclamation. He shakes his head slightly, both amused and grateful that her mother sounds so enthusiastic, where always before she has seemed to be the one holdout in the family, unsure of if she wants to like the reformed pirate or not.

Killian rests his forehead against the smooth wooden paneling of the hall, and he blows out a long breath, watching his hand worriedly as he flexes the five long lost fingers. His brow furrows, anger and bitterness at the way this has played out marring his features; it is not fair, but he knows what must be done. He pushes away from the solid barrier, wishing he could stay in the golden glow of Emma's love instead of crawling back to his Crocodile. The pirate's shoulders slump faintly as he turns away; knowing not to prolong the inevitable. At least he has been able to hold his Swan once with two hands, even if it has been an all too fleeting gift…

~00~00~00~00~00~00~00~00~00~00~00~00~~~~~

The sense of doom bearing down on him is nearly too much, as if the very walls are closing in around him, forcing out all the air and leaving him trapped. His infernal Crocodile stands before him, calm, in control, as unruffled as if Killian's deal has never concerned him for a moment, never even given him pause. Watching those unfathomable, deep eyes stare back at him, boring uninvited into his psyche, Killian Jones realizes he should have expected no less. After all the years and all he has been through, after all his efforts to change, he is suddenly caught up inextricably with his past again – right back where he had begun.

He cannot be tied to this demon… the man who stole his first love, and has just dared to threaten his second. He has given up his centuries-long quest for revenge in order to at last find a home, to seek the man of honor he had been long ago, and to be worthy of his Swan. After what Killian has seen, he knows he is no match for the Dark One's magic – more fully than he has ever known it before – but he must get out of this devil's bargain. He _is not_ a villain anymore – refuses to believe all he has done was for nothing – and he _will not _be one again.

It is hard to breathe as he turns from the powerful monster who has played him, who has gotten into his mind and knew what he would do before Killian had even realized it himself. Clenching his one good hand in anger, wanting to smash it into that smug, coolly evil face, or better yet, to plunge the cursed hook once more adorning his left arm into his Crocodile's chest, and for once have it stick.

Killian does not treat with the imp at his back any further, either to agree to the terms or to argue. Instead, he forces his trembling legs to stalk from the shop with more power than he feels and take him to the only place he can go. He must see Emma now and do what he should have done already. Why did he risk so much to regain his hand, only to vainly look nice for a date? He dreads the look on her face as he admits what he has done under Gold's coercion, but he must get her help before he is forced to do more.

By now, Emma will already be at the station, hard at work no doubt with whatever new catastrophe has managed to creep up overnight in this supposedly sleepy little town. He does not want to burden his lady love, but if he learned anything from his debacle with the green slag from Oz, it was the danger in keeping secrets or hiding anything from Emma Swan. He understands; she has been lied to one too many times to trust anyone holding back from her, and she will not now risk her heart again – nor her lad's – on someone she cannot trust.

He might lose her either way, and bile rises in his throat at the thought of her turning from him now that he has earned his chance, now that he has felt what it is to kiss her lips and hold her in his arms. Still, knowing she will want nothing to do with him if he deceives her, and running the risk of her being hurt for his indiscretion, leaves him no choice and prods him to action. There is nothing worth his lovely princess' pain, even if he must pay the full price for his one magical request. If he loses Emma but she is safe, it will be better than seeing her come to harm, whether or not his heart can withstand the desertion.

Killian arrives at the office, seeing Emma's crisp, capable bearing as she sweeps through the open space, taunting Scarlett (whose eyes he studiously avoids), and conversing with her father and the Ice Queen, and she near takes his breath. Licking his lips, he tries to gather his nerve, once more unsure if he can bear losing this woman who has brought light to his world after centuries of darkness.

The conversations she had been holding come to an end, and she turns to him, a tiny, secretive grin curving in the corner of her mouth, eyes alight and warm as she welcomes him in. She notices immediately that his hand is lost, the metal hook in its place once again, but instead of seeming disappointed, Emma only appears concerned for him. Killian feels keenly at that moment the depth of his mistake. This incredible, confounding woman – his Savior, in all honesty – is amazing enough not to care if it is hand or hook caressing her or wrapping around her waist. She never has. He is now trapped in an impossible situation for trying to give her something she has never needed. She loves the fallen man he is, for how he has survived his losses and how he has fought for her. Just as he adores Emma beyond her physical beauty or royal lineage, for all her faults and scars.

Emma pulls her pirate into the more private inner office, out of the others' hearing and view, obviously wanting to speak to him alone. But when she turns open, trusting eyes on him, her affection plain in their sparkling depths, it is all Killian Jones, pirate captain or no, can do not to fall on his knees before her and beg forgiveness.

Still, he has no other recourse, no other chance but the hope that their fledgling love is strong enough. Clutching her hand tightly in his own, as if he can hold on enough to keep her with him, he swallows hard and prepares to tell her all.


End file.
